You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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