He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
