i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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