your parents love me but you hate me
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
