imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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