there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
