I want to make a zoo with you.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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