I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
