You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
