There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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