I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
