OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
