Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
