Apparently you make a good broom.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
