i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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