The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
