3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
