$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
