Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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