Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
