She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Watching her eat just hurts me
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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