it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
