im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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