we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
