There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Randomize
