The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
