At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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