he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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