My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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