You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
