smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
