i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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