How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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