Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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