I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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