she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
