I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
