I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
