You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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