i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
