If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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