I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
