Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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