We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
