There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
