That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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