I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
