so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
