our cab driver is having phone sex.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
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