I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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