Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
